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Recent Episodes

Episode 17: Miscarriage

It’s time to talk about a topic that isn’t talked about very much and that is Miscarriage.

And I think the reason it is not talked about much is this stigma of failure, of feeling less than, and because many women like to grieve quietly.

Despite being VERY common, this doesn’t make it any easier!

This episode is broken down into two parts:

1. How to deal with a miscarriage and why it is super important

2. How to approach a new pregnancy after having had a miscarriage (or more!)

In this episode, I talk about:

  • Some exciting new things I am launching
  • Why coping with a miscarriage is a unique process and there is no one size fits all
  • Why I coped with my four miscarriages differently
  • How common miscarriage is – why knowing that helps SOME people
  • The ONE thing you MUST do right now if you are experiencing a miscarriage
  • Why hormones can delay the emotional healing process (and that’s okay!)
  • How our thoughts, beliefs and previous experiences play a part in our healing
  • Why women who have had miscarriages tend to FREAK out when they get pregnant again (from a mind point of view)
  • Why it is important to heal from your miscarriages before going into a new pregnancy
  • Plus two really simple exercises that you can employ RIGHT NOW – pregnant or not if you find you are anxious and not coping.

Please share this with any one you know who needs it.

Bella xx

Get Access To One Of My Most Powerful Meditations Today!

Bella Hilton:

Hey everyone, I’m Bella Hilton, HOST of the Miracles Happen: discovering the power of your mind and emotions on the journey to conceiving your baby Podcast.

And at the moment I am busy busy busy busy! But all in the name of a good cause and that is launching a brand new website to better reflect where I am going, and also developing a mini- mind-body-energy fertility course that will be super affordable and super awesome because when you do your homework for this course, you get to submit it directly to me – and I will give you personal and individual feedback. It’s a 5 day course delivered in 5 days to give you fast, quick action steps to start turning your journey around. And for those who want or NEED more.

PLUS

I’m also developing a longer 4 month comprehensive program and will include some very exciting modules. I will teach you how to cope with AND then eliminate your triggers, get your emotions and life back on track and follow your journey more intuitively. Plus there will be weekly support calls via zoom or some other platform (to be determined) so that people doing the course get the full support they need and so much more – it’s very exciting.

PLUS today I am launching one of my most powerful meditations for download absolutely free. You can just go to my home-page at studiofertility.com and scroll down past my first welcome photo to a big pink box where if you click on the link and then pop in your details you will get immediate access. And when I say it is one of my most powerful meditations I’m not kidding – BUT I will say this – you will only get out of it what you put into it. And it’s not very long, but this meditation will start to rewire your brain for fertility success if you commit to it. And you can listen to it as many times as you like. That’s the point of conditioning – we condition our minds through repetition.

So on today’s podcast you will have noticed from the title. We are going to be talking about a topic that frankly should be talked about more openly and that is miscarriage.

And today I want to look at how to cope with a miscarriage after having one and also how to approach a new pregnancy after having a miscarriage.

Now the truth of the matter is, when it comes to having a miscarriage, everyone copes with it VERY differently.

So it’s really hard to blanketly say ‘how to cope with having a miscarriage’. And the reason people cope with it differently is about what beliefs they hold, how far along they were, if they got the recognition in their life that they needed and support they needed from those around them at the time, if they let themselves grieve or bottled it up, what they are taking to mean about themselves and their ability to have another healthy pregnancy and so much more.

That’s the trouble with us humans – we all have so many complex factors and unique circumstances that go into something like this.

I, myself have had 4 miscarriages. And all at various stages and under different circumstances. So I even handled my 4 miscarriages very differently because they were different.

But I think the biggest mistake we can make in supporting someone who is going through a miscarriage or has had a miscarriage is thinking that they should handle it or view it like we did. But that’s what we tend to do – because that is what we know. And somewhat I am going to be talking today from my own point of view because I don’t know your personal circumstances.

And you know what, just because miscarriage is common doesn’t actually make miscarriage any easier either.

In fact it is hard to get reliable stats on this. A quick search said 1 in 5 to 1 in 4 of all clinically recognisable pregnancies end in miscarriage but the rate is probably a lot higher because some women probably miscarry without even realising they are pregnant. So yeah, quite commonplace but the thing about stats is they are cold and clinical and take away from the human element.

It takes away our hopes, our dreams, our fears, our deep desires, our connection to this baby growing inside of us and reduces things to numbers.

But you know, for some women, knowing that it is common and doesn’t define their future pregnancies is helpful in their recovery. And knowing too that it is usually the result of chromosomal defects, so in effect the pregnancy wasn’t viable. They are able to say, okay, this isn’t personal, this pregnancy wasn’t right. And they then don’t internalise it to mean that they won’t go on to have a healthy pregnancy. They process it like it is disappointing but not devastating.

Of course, if you have been trying to get pregnant for years with little hint of a positive, or you are knee deep in assisted reproductive therapies like IVF, IUI or medicated cycles, or all you know is miscarriage – then each one can feel like a hot-twisted knife to the heart and gut. Because it was hard enough to get pregnant in the first place that every hope and desire is riding on this little implanted embryo.

And the situation can feel absolutely devastating, brutal.

And it can feel like this for someone who has no troubles getting pregnant too. Or whether this is their first child they are trying for or their sixth.

Not to mention, in the early days of miscarriage, you now have a million extra bits of hormone floating around in your body that heightens EVERYTHING! And again, some women will be more susceptible to mood swings due to their hormones than others. I have spoken to a lot of women recently who have no idea what i am talking about in regards to PMS. They just don’t get PMS or it’s so mild they don’t notice.

Whereas over the years, I have definitely had times where I felt like a hot mess due to PMS or even when I was pregnant some of the times. I almost had a road-rage incident due to some progesterone suppositories! Thankfully, I know myself so well that I THINK before I ACT and to someone else would have just looked liked me getting slightly annoyed.

But hormones can play a part in the beginning of a miscarriage that make it SO MUCH HARDER to deal with. Apart from all our hopes, dreams and desires seemingly going up in smoke, we have to recognise that we have this cocktail of hormones that mean we have to be excruciatingly nice to ourselves.

And of course, some miscarriages happen fast for some women, because they naturally occur fast, or they elect for a D&C or medicated miscarriage because the pregnancy is not viable. While others choose to go naturally and it could take the body a while to process it and release the lining and the hormones.

I’ve had two like that. So miscarriage isn’t always a fast process and the problem with that is, it can be quite taxing on you mentally, because physically you are still dealing with it on a daily basis. And you might still be going to work and trying to pretend like nothing is wrong while your body takes a month to deal with it all (or 3 months for one of mine).

Now that means for some women they are still experiencing morning sickness and sore boobs or whatever other pregnancy symptoms they may have had. Which can feel like an extra slap in the face.

So firstly, if you are going through a miscarriage right now. I would say, the first thing is to know what you think you can handle and what you can’t. That is to know your options for a faster process or a slower process and know if you opt for the slower process you can always change your mind at any time.

And the other is to be excruciatingly nice to yourself. Recognise that maybe with all those extra hormones until they come right down again that things are going to be a bit more tough to process. You are going to be more vulnerable. Give yourself time and space, give yourself permission to say no to whatever you want to say no to. And to say yes to whatever you want to say yes to. And don’t try to force yourself to feel anything other than you are feeling.

If you want to cry all day in front of Netflix eating a bag of potato chips – I say go ahead and do it. And give yourself that time to start your grieving process and just don’t expect too much of yourself during that time.

Of course, you are a fully grown woman who can decide how she wants to feel, how she wants to handle herself and if you do want to expect something more of yourself. I just know for me that I’m better able to process things once the hormones have subsided and I just let myself feel whatever comes up, be nice to myself and meditating or calming down my nervous system from time to time helped me with the rougher moments that is for sure.

Now, of course, once the hormones go – we do need to process our emotions, thoughts and beliefs fully. But like most things like this, we have not been taught how to do this.

Tips for dealing with a miscarriage

Remember that for some of you, you are experiencing this as a death in your family. And you will go through a grieving process. Some of you might not grieve the baby per se – in that, you knew it wasn’t right ie chromosomal defects etc. and you accept that But you may still be grieving the loss of your dreams of it being this month. Trying to short-circuit it, will possibly only prolong it. Saying, I shouldn’t feel sad, or I shouldn’t feel happy or I shouldn’t feel so sad for so long is complete nonsense.

You are feeling how you are feeling. Making yourself wrong for feeling how you are feeling is only going to lengthen the process.

Try and set up time for yourself and your partner to do something nice and just have you time. I know after one of my miscarriages, conveniently we had a trip to Bali already booked (in those days were international travel was a thing). And that time in Bali to just spend with my husband and not have the pressure of LIFE was soooooo healing.
I didn’t have work competing for his attention or for mine, I didn’t have to force myself through my work, I didn’t have to manage a household or cook or do anything i didn’t want to do. I had eleven massages over the 13 days that I was there, I did some amazing yoga classes, I saw some amazing things and met some amazing people and the whole experience had me feeling thoroughly renewed.

I indulged myself in relaxation, nature and my relationship and nurturing myself.

Whatever your version of this is, in my experience, essential. And of course, checking in with our partners on how they are feeling is part of it too.

The other thing that is beneficial to do is to really look at your thoughts and beliefs and meanings during this time.

I know that a lot of women who are in the process of grieving start trying to grieve for MORE than what is in front of them. And by that I mean, are you grieving the loss of this pregnancy or your hopes and dreams about having a baby altogether?

If this was your last hail-mary shot at having a pregnancy and it didn’t work – then absolutely, grieve what you need to grieve. But i do find that some women tend to start grieving this loss as well as any chance they have in the future of ever having a baby. And that is A LOT to process.

So asking yourself some key questions can really help you to uncover unhelpful thought processes in your grief recovery and processing the loss.

Things like – am I taking this to mean that I will NEVER have any more opportunities or chances to conceive? Am I taking this to mean my dreams of having a baby are completely over? And is that true? Am I at the stage where I don’t want to try anymore? What else am I taking this to mean about my life or myself?

And then I want you to answer those questions. Monsters live in the dark and confronting some of those is important.

I think it is important to to as best you can really fully process a miscarriage before going on to try again. Taking a miscarriage into a new pregnancy is terrifying.

It can be like taking all your emotional baggage from your last relationship into your new relationship, so to speak. It’s not fair on either of you.

So I would really encourage you, that if you dont’ feel like you have fully processed your miscarriage ot actually seek help to do that.

Because in the end, we need to do the minimum thing that it takes us to move forward and not more. For one person it is a two-week trip to Bali. For another it is a good cry and a packet of Tim Tams (chocolate cookies for non Australians listening) and 24 hours on the couch. For some still it will take a few months. No approach is wrong, it is just what is right for you.

How to approach a new pregnancy after miscarriage

Now one of the scariest things for a lot of women is being pregnant again after having a miscarriage. They might struggle and struggle to get pregnant. They finally do, get those two pink lines or the results from their blood test and they are happy for a nano second before pure panic sets back in.

It’s like, I never thought i would get here and now that I am here – is it going to be real?

Because it’s hard to not think that it could happen again. Especially if that is all you have known.

So firstly ladies, you have to know that it is entirely normal to be a bit on edge about it – because you care so much about this new pregnancy and quite honestly if you weren’t a little bit concerned I’d probably be checking you for a pulse.

But also, you do want to try to find a way to manage that panic because quite frankly you want to be able to enjoy your pregnancy too! Because if you think a 2 week wait is hard, a twelve week wait is going to be unbearable if you don’t set yourself up right.

Now I’ve seen this in the past with some of my clients too. They did everything for themselves to actually get pregnant. Calmed down their nervous system, meditated, did visualisations and invested in their own future, brought joy and happiness into their life and were humming along so nicely and maybe even let go of control and just handed it over to the grand tapestry of life and then they got pregnant and it was like they forgot everything they had been doing. And went straight to panic and control mode again.

That’s why my relationship with my clients doesn’t usually end the minute they see the positive.

This is NOT the time to throw all your mind-body fertility stuff out the window. This can be the time for some to double down!

So whatever mind-body fertility stuff you are doing beforehand, keep doing it. Write it down as a plan if you need to and keep reminding yourself to let go of control.

Now, I don’t know if this helps you or not. But I know the thing that helped me the absolute MOST when I would get pregnant again after one of my miscarriages was this and it was just a decision. If this baby was my baby. If this was the pregnancy that was going to make it – then I wanted to enjoy every last second of it and not waste the first twelve weeks stressed out about it. Easier said than done of course. And of course, I had moments were I would stress a bit. But on the whole i learned to just enjoy the moments that I had until such time as there was something to worry about.

And that’s what being in the moment is all about right.

I think I learnt this from Eckhart Tolle almost 12 years ago when I was reading the Power of Now and he was saying and I’ll probably stuff it up but basically “Look at the situation you are in right now” – in this moment RIGHT NOW. Don’t look at the past, don’t look at the future but where you are right now – whether that is in your lounge-room or 10,000 feet up in the air.

And ask yourself, am I in any danger RIGHT now. Is anything wrong right now?

I actually used this principle to help me go sky-diving. To be fair, I’ve never wanted to jump out of a perfectly good plane to hurtle through the sky towards the ground. Never saw the point of it. But one day i was challenged to do it right after learning this sentiment and I realised how powerful it could be.

And I didn’t get scared once and it was the most amazing experience floating through the air. It was exhilarating.

When we are panicking in the moment, we are either stuck in the past or the future in our mind. So Just ask yourself Right now, in this moment, do i have anything to panic about? Do I have knowledge that it is appropriate to panic or get upset.

So when I was in the plane at 10,000 feet, I had nothing to worry about. I was alive, it was a nice day, the plane was working and i was perfectly safe. When I hurtling towards the earth, strapped to somebody else and we had not deployed the parachute yet, still I had no reason to panic because I was still not in danger, and when he pulled the chute and it worked perfectly, i still had nothing to panic about because it worked and we drifted gently down to the ground.

And when I allowed myself that magic to actually take away the fear from each moment of things POTENTIALLY going wrong, When I didn’t project into the future, I was able to BE in the moment and enjoy the moment.

Because as humans we tend to look back at the past to make sense of our future. And when we find something in our past that looks similar to what we are doing right now – our brain throws up – oh yep, I know how this goes and we start running the reruns in the background of our mind – over and over and over. Like a bad 80’s sitcom – except its not funny.

Now, if you have something to worry about because physically something is happening go for it. I’m not advocating being devoid of emotion.

But we do need to remind our brains sometimes that there is nothing chasing us.

And to that I say – practise this NOW and practise this as much as you can.

The thing about our brain is, whatever we have trained it to do it will do. It’s like a new puppy. If you dont’ train it don’t expect it not to pee and poop on your carpet.

So once a day, stop what you are doing, breathe and let all the thoughts go from your mind. And say to yourself – at this moment, am I in any danger? Is something chasing me right now? And then notice what you do have. I have a roof over my head and a floor under my feet. I have more cups than I could possibly ever need. Sorry just looking in my kitchen right now. I live in a great place in the world by the beach. And in this moment, it is quiet, teh sun is about to go down, I can hear the birds chirping and actually this moment in time is quite serene for me.

Now some people try to argue with it, but I’ve got all these bills to pay that I don’t know how i am going to pay, I’ve got this deadline i’ve got to meet etc.

That is still looking into the future. I’m talking about really getting present in this moment NOW and NOW. Do you have to pay that bill right now? Right this second? Is someone at the door knocking to collect the money right now? Right this second? Nope, then you are only anticipating it, looking into the future.

It’s not an easy exercise granted but it is one that will teach you more about what really living in the moment means.

And the more you practise it in the good times, the easier this process is to access in the harder times. It’s definitely powerful in the good times and it’s beyond powerful in the harder times.

I’ll see you next time on Miracles Happen.

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