I don’t always say the popular thing, even to those I am supporting because I think saying the popular thing all the time is playing it safe and not being committed to seeing the change that I want to see in the world. Change that I know is possible and will improve womens lives. Change that will empower people, bring them more joy and create miracles (often ones with ten toes and ten fingers).
So, if someone is exhibiting clear behaviour that needs to change and they are not getting it on their own, then sometimes I have to spell it out. Why? Because we all have our blind spots. And sometimes it takes a person who is supporting us and caring about us unconditionally and without judgement to say the thing that needs to be said.
Now, I can’t say that I am without judgement in my life. Because to have an opinion is to have a judgement about something. But I don’t judge my clients for their thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. Our inner workings are an intricate web and when I get curious and dig into why someone thinks something or why someone does what they do, it is honestly so fascinating. And then we can get on to changing it if it no longer serves that person.
Now with that intro, let’s talk about needing vs wanting.
Relationships
In Western Society, we have developed this unhealthy way of looking at, and behaving in relationships. It is the underlying message of every romantic movie or song. That someone else will complete us, that we NEED someone else to be whole. That without that special someone in our lives we cannot have a fulfilling life or meaning.
In fact, I lived my life like this for many years, always pining and longing for that next boy that would make me feel whole again. Always seeking that external validation that I was worth something because I was pretty enough or thin enough or fun enough or loving enough.
And so I went out with the wrong boys, attracted the wrong attention into my life and was utterly destroyed by many relationships where even though I knew they were wrong for me, I couldn’t leave because I couldn’t. Who was I without that relationship? Isn’t it better the devil that you know?
Each time I did get the courage to move on, I would berate myself for wasting my life and vow it would never happen again. I tried to look for all the right signals to make sure I wasn’t making the same mistakes. But it was hopeless, because I hadn’t fixed the foundations yet. Energetically, I was still putting out NEED. And despite my best efforts that’s what I kept attracting, even if it looked all good at first. And I didn’t trust my intuition because I didn’t trust myself.
It was easy enough for me to fall into this pattern with all the teachings around me growing up. I lacked any kind of self-esteem and was more a doormat for others and very sensitive. I was depressed for many years and was seeking that validation that YES DAMMIT I was worth something.
But living that way just creates so many pitfalls, so much unhappiness and it is completely unsustainable if you actually want a fulfilling relationship or meaningful life.
Drawing the line in the sand
It wasn’t until I drew that line in the sand and vowed to do this differently, that things started to be different. I took myself off the market. I realised, I was not for sale on any level. And I closed myself off to the possibility of a relationship until I knew that it was from WANT and not NEED.
I finally realised it would be much better to be on my own than to be in one of those destructive relationships again.
I didn’t open myself up again until I had done the work on myself to love myself and feel my own worth as a person with my own mind and own goals, and until I gave that validation to myself. And quite honestly, I HAD A BALL! I had more fun than I had had in years.
And lo and behold, shortly after I had done all the work and changed how I was feeling and thinking about myself, I met the love of my life.
And he never would have been attracted to me if I had been who I was before I’d done the work.
Needing vs wanting with fertility
Now this is a tough pill to swallow but I just ask that you think about this. So often I see this in the fertility journey too. That we NEED a baby rather than wanting one. And we honestly think that we will be happy again WHEN we have a baby. Because the baby will COMPLETE US! And sometimes our want has morphed into a need when we don’t get pregnant easily or straight away.
I also understand that we have a strong biological urge to have babies and that may be some of what is driving that feeling of NEED. But when it truly comes down to it, a baby will not complete you.
Besides which, babies are wonderful of course, but they are also hard work.
Babies can break up weak relationships, babies can make you feel like you want to peel your own face off because you are so tired. Babies can make you really unhappy at times too.
Having a baby because you need one to feel complete is not a good reason to have a baby. And thinking that you will be happy again when you get pregnant or you can’t be happy without a baby is also setting yourself up for disappointment.
Because I can guarantee you that when your baby is a little bit older, maybe 2, you will be looking for something else to complete you, something else to make you happy.
Because the truth is you do not need a baby to feel happy right now. And energetically you are putting out this feeling of desperation and lack.
Right now, you are putting out that feeling of not being worthy of, and deserving a baby.
And your body hears you.
And you keep torturing yourself with thoughts like, ‘maybe it was the gluten I ate on Tuesday’ or ‘maybe I just need to try harder’. (If that were a relationship, you would see how absurd that is.) But you don’t have to be perfect and do everything perfectly to have a baby. It’s not the gluten and you don’t have to try harder. You need to love yourself first.
I’m not saying that this is all so easy. There is emotional work to be done to shift ourselves from that place of NEED to that place of WANT. And I get it, your desire is strong.
Again though, it wasn’t until I changed my foundations and my way of living and thinking and putting myself first that my fertility journey changed.
I opened myself up to what my life would be like if I couldn’t have a baby. And I made a decision to look at my life goals and what my legacy would be if I didn’t have a baby. Because I was going to make my life mean something, I was going to live a life that was valuable and had worth no matter whether I had a baby or not. I was going to be passionate about my work and life.
And the crazy thing is, that’s when I got pregnant. I got both. The passionate meaningful career and the baby.
And I also want to add, I’ve had other challenges since both these things happened. Life has a way of not always happening the way we want it to or the way we expect it to.
But with each new challenge in my life, I’ve learnt to draw that line in the sand and do things differently from most, so I can get back to that life of passion and joy!
So take a moment to look at your life, and think about whether you are approaching things from a feeling of NEED or WANT.
And then choose to do things differently. You will be pleased that you did.
If you want a hand with how to do things differently on your fertility journey and in your life, and really want that support while you are trying to conceive naturally or through IVF or other assisted reproductive technologies, then check out my programs.
And if you are willing and want to do the work, I will do everything I possibly can to help you. Sound good?